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Rear-Admiral Jennifer Bennett on Emotional Expression and Leadership
June 17, 2013
This week on Sister Leadership we are honoured to feature Rear-Admiral Jennifer Bennett, who is a Champion for Women in Defence and “was named as one of Canada’s Top 100 Most Powerful Women as a Public Sector Leader by the Women’s Executive Network.” Rear-Admiral Bennett “has been able to successfully pursue two concurrent careers, one as a member of Canada’s Reserve Force and the other as a teacher and school administrator. Over the past 38 years, she has risen through the ranks of the military to become Canada’s first female Rear-Admiral and senior ranking Reserve officer as Chief of Reserves and Cadets. “
It’s quite an opportunity for us to interview a woman who has been so successful in two career paths that one may not necessary connect. Following on from the last Women’s Executive Network breakfast, we wanted to pick up on the theme of emotional expression (the constructive expression of emotions), and felt the Rear-Admiral was in a unique position to share her experiences.
Unique, as to say that Rear-Admiral Bennett responses to our questions may not reflect other women’s experiences within the military. She suggests this is because “the combination of my two careers, one as a teacher and the other with the military have influenced my leadership style and I have maintained a humanistic approach in which I express emotions differently than many of my peers, not just because the military is a male dominated profession but because of my personality, experience (predominately non-combat work) and style of “servant leadership”. There is also a culture and ethos in the military that we are gradually introduced to through our training and we grow to understand norms, standards and expectations.
It is a bit of a challenge to find your way when you first join and people often have preconceived notions of “military behaviour” or culture when it comes to emotions. Because I have spent equal time between my two very different employment fields – one that is very nurturing and encourages emotion and the other that is considered more structured, hierarchical and requires “toughness”; I have worked to develop a balanced approach and have found what works for me in the classroom and the military to earn respect and lead in a variety of settings. “
And so, we proceeded to asked Read-Admiral Bennett of her experiences with emotional expression. Her openness blew us away. Below you’ll find a transcript of our exchange.
1. Are there some emotions you feel more comfortable expressing than others? Why do you think that is, and how do you express what you are feeling?
“I tend to be generally easy going and happy most of the time so I am more comfortable showing these feelings and sharing them with others. I genuinely care about the people I work with and I show this through active listening and engagement, acts of kindness as well as emotional responses. I am comfortable expressing more positive emotions although I do consider my role and rank and the military setting that does call for a certain “style” that is generally more reserved and directed but I do not like to be the “tough guy” all of the time and would rather earn respect than demand it. However, I am one of only a few women at my rank and level in the military so I am very aware of the “cultural norms” of the group and while I don’t stifle my emotions, I am conscious of my actions and emotions within the group and try not to be overly emotional or demonstrative. Its like good manners and behaviour at social events, there is an expected norm and a standard appropriate to each setting but there is a range from which we choose as required.
Theories of traditional military leadership tend to portray leaders as stoic and tough with few outward emotions and there are certainly highly stressful situations when you must maintain a certain bearing and sense of control but we are also human so emotions do come up differently in each of us. With experience, I have learned that there is a time and place to show emotions and I try not to cry or dissolve in front of others when they need me to lead. It is difficult for me to hide or mask some emotions like disappointment, anger, frustration, fear or sadness and I try to express these through words rather than actions. I also rely on close peers, mentors or trusted allies as sounding boards for ideas, emotions and feelings.
It can be difficult for women to balance the two ends of the spectrum of emotions and the reputations that come with those. Women working in male dominated professions or organizations in the past may have felt that had to act like a man to be successful and compete with their peers. I have found that it is easier to be true to yourself and achieve a balance of emotions, understanding the professional culture and when and what is appropriate. For example, breaking down into tears when you are supposed to be in charge does not instil confidence in your subordinates and you cannot focus your energy on what needs to be done. If you feel this is going to be your reaction, excusing yourself for a moment or delegating to someone else allows you the chance to have your reaction but also be professional within a group.”
2. What does being happy look like to you? What about being frustrated or angry?
“Being happy shows in my attitude, the way I approach work and the way I deal with people. I’m very approachable and outgoing and over the course of my career with the military I have become known for my positive outlook and pleasant demeanour. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad days or get angry or frustrated, in fact, people know that I have a very long fuse and when I get to the end of it and become angry or frustrated, I get very serious and “mean business”. I have also tried to maintain the perspective of “who’s problem is this” and “who’s bad day is this” because sometimes we are just in someone’s way and their anger or frustration doesn’t necessarily have to spill over and become ours. I don’t normally fly off the handle and this allows for predictability and rationality.
When I’m frustrated or angry, my pattern of behaviour and body language changes and people can tell that something is not right. In fact, I would say that I tend to show more emotion when frustrated or angry and this can be made worse when I’m overly tired or stressed. Happy is something that grows and shows in all that I do and is very outward facing. By contrast the opposite emotions normally cause me to withdrawal and react more quickly so I try to retreat to gather my feelings before reacting outwardly. Disappointment and frustration can bring on tears, anger is usually demonstrated through a more direct and immediate response to the challenge.”
3. Have others ever misread your feelings or thoughts? Why do you think that happened, and how do you respond in such situations?
“To go back to an earlier point, I’m generally pretty positive and happy and when I go to the other extreme, people don’t know what to do or how to take it. This can be disarming for some and they may think I’m angry when I could just be frustrated, disappointed or upset (not with them but with a situation or an issue). When I’m tired or stressed I often get more emotional and it can be misinterpreted by others as being upset or angry. In an environment where the majority of co workers are male, when they misread feelings they tend to go into “caretaker mode” and try to “make it better”. Sometimes I just need to be angry or frustrated and work through the issue but because it isn’t what people usually see in me, they don’t know how to react and want to help. In these cases, I find it is important for me to take some time to gather my thoughts and feelings rather than simply react. There have also been times where I can’t control a surge of emotions and many have thought “it must be hormones”. This is a tough one to overcome and I try to remain logical and not fall into that trap of blame or excuse, although there have been “days” . . .
Again, looking at leadership theory there are stereotypes regarding emotional intelligence and leadership and some who think that gender based characteristics relate directly to effectiveness of leaders and that “male characteristics” tend to favour leader success and effectiveness, particularly in high stress occupations or situations. Some effective leadership attributes occur naturally in women including emotional intelligence, collaboration, relationship and team building but “warrior traits” (courage, toughness, logic, highly focused, unemotional) are seen as essential to competitive business and success in operations and combat. I don’t believe that leadership is gender based and that emotions and feelings have a role to play for all leaders.
I have been able to stay true to my personal leadership style and personality throughout my military career and though expressing my feelings and thoughts has sometimes been misread as “too emotional” or “atypical”, for the military setting I have garnered respect from my peers, subordinates and superiors and have developed the self confidence and self awareness to know what works best for me and the environment in which I am serving. I am also confident enough to speak up and explain my reaction, my feelings or my emotions. In my opinion, and based on my personal experience I think that being human and showing a range of emotions is not being “weak” but strong.”
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Sister Leadership would like to express our deepest thanks and gratitude to Rear-Admiral Bennett for being open to our questions, and exploring the concept of emotional expression in leadership. We were entirely thrilled when such gave us such fascinating and open responses – and we hope her insights are in turn helpful to you in your experiences, whether you are balancing between two types of careers, or several ‘worlds’ in general. Many thanks again, Rear-Admiral. It has been our honour.
And now, we’re going to dig into the Sister Leadership tool box to give you an exercise connected to emotional expression, which is connected to perception. Often our emotional responses to a situation are triggered by our perception of the message. Learn how we filter the world of information around us, and how that filtering can impact what we do and do not see in our surroundings. Click here to be taken to the awareness exercise! Give it a read and see if this scenario resonates with yourself. We’d love to hear from you, whether you have reflections on Rear-Admiral Bennett’s thoughts, or a personal insight. Get in touch!
Till next week,
Cam
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
How 20 Minutes Changes Her Life – Terri’s Story of Journal Writing
June 13, 2013
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Following up on this Monday’s post, it’s our pleasure to share you with the story of Terri Wingham. Terri had a life-changing experience after being diagnosed with breast cancer, and it was through her journal writing that she connected with the first hints of a new-found dream, which has since developed from international volunteering to building a foundation that helps cancer survivors reconnect with life and its wonders. But we’ll let her relate the story herself. This portion of Terri’s post has been reblogged from her own writing with The Fresh Chapter Alliance Foundation, an organization founded and powered by Terri that aspires to “provide opportunities for cancer survivors to create connections, experience bucket-list adventures, and find new meaning and purpose in their lives by giving back.” (AFreshChapter.com)
Thank you to Terri for letting us share her journal writing experiences. It’s such an honour to have her here at Sister Leadership! Read on and see why she’s kicking up inspiration and using her journal writing as a essential tool.
How 20 Minutes Can Change Everything, by Terri Wingham
“Bearded men draped in white seem to float past me while Caucasian girls wearing wrinkled Indian style tunics over their dusty jeans bend under the weight of overstuffed backpacks. The sound of bangles jingle as the woman beside me answers an email and across the expansive carpeted corridor a small child writhes out of his mother’s embrace. He screams at what I can imagine is the injustice of his early wake-up call, the long line he endured through customs and immigration and, the restricted 5×5 square foot area his parents continue to chase him back to.
With the already unfamiliar bitterness of a Starbucks latte on my tongue and a fresh page in front of me, I crouch over my journal and capture the world as it passes me. Six weeks in India and 8 gloriously unplugged days on a tiny little beach in Goa and it’s already time to board my flight and circumvent the globe. As I wait for the first of my 3 flights to be called, I can’t help but reflect on the difference a year makes.
Last March, I sipped chai in the Cross-Cultural Solutions flat in New Delhi and wrote the following entry into my journal, “Next year, I should bring a group of 8-12 survivors to India for a 2 week program that includes volunteering and a trip to the Taj.”
Then in August of 2012, I took deep breaths and published this post: The Time For Big and Hairy Is Now. A few hours later, my good friend and fellow dreamer Gary Thompson of CLOUD sent me a message that said, “I see you’re writing the future again. Good for you.”
Writing the future? I had never thought about it that way. Maybe he was right. Maybe simply by putting my dream in black and white, I could change the course of my life. With no idea how or if this big hairy audacious dream could become real, I kept writing and kept believing that somehow my “morning pages” and this blog would show me the way. . .”
Journal Writing Meets Meditation
June 10, 2013
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This past weekend was very exciting. I had the privilege and pleasure of joining the incredible Robin Sharma for a weekend workshop. Prior to this event (and don’t worry, I’ll be sharing insights from the weekend later on), we were challenged to try keeping a daily journal. Maybe you are like me and never took to journal writing (with a few failed attempts). Personally, it’s always been a challenge to really connect with the writing and to keep up the habit. But to get ready for our past weekend, I decided to use Robin’s four elements for journal writing and commit myself to thirty days of reflections.
He breaks down journal writing into four purposes:
1. Record daily insights to deepen learning and increase awareness.
2. Record gratitude shifting the mindset.
3. Dump your worries on paper to invite in creativity.
4. Record life’s progress.
Now here is where I get personal.
At the start of this thirty day challenge I was having trouble with my journal writing. I found myself writing to tick off the points. “Have I recorded my daily gratitude, did I put my list of worries onto the page?”
It was far too literal and structured; I couldn’t become immersed in the challenge.
So I decided to get centred. Before picking up that pen I got into my ‘heart’ or center through abdominal breathing When I felt myself move from the head to the heart, when I felt connected through my steady full breaths, then I picked up the pen and took to writing.
What flowed following that meditation was shocking. It was deep, it was without a list, it covered whatever was inside my heart and left all the ‘head’ logistics of the daily chores aside. And in doing that, the journal writing has become a way to leave my worries on the page. It gives me a chance to connect with myself, and not with my schedule. And while I still use Robin’s four points, coupling that with the centering experience has made journal writing so much better.
Do you create a “space” within yourself before journal writing? Do you write in a journal, or have you found it difficult? I’ve found the experience to be a release for my soul. And while not everyone is going to connect with this experience, I want to challenge you to your own thirty day journey.
Using Robin Sharma’s points above as a guide to get you started. I challenge you to create a space/meditate each morning till you feel centered, and then write a page or so in your journal.
1. Center through abdominal breathing, or whatever meditation you prefer.
2. Write.
3. Continue each day for 30 days.
It’s that simple. If you take on this challenge or add centering/meditation to your future scribbles, I’d love to hear from you and how that experiment impacted your experience.
We’ve heard from big names in the past about the power of writing in journals (ahem, Oprah), and this week we’ll be giving you a bonus Sister Leadership post featuring Terri Wingham of A Fresh Chapter who changed her life after a diagnosis of breast cancer with journal writing.
In the meanwhile, reaching into the Sister Leadership toolbox, here is a video from Robin Sharma himself explaining his process of journal writing and how you can use it in your daily life. Robin is a strong advocate for journal writing, and often mentions the practice in his books. It’s such a thrill to have seen him in person. Once I get myself back together from the traveling, I’ll try and incorporate some of our takeaways for an upcoming post! Or tweets, or Facebook posts – and by the way, if you aren’t following us on Twitter and Facebook just click through these links to find us 
Till next time, be well!
Cam
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
WXNWisdom Peer Mentoring Ottawa June 26th
June 7, 2013
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To register, follow this link. We’re getting together in Ottawa this June 26th. (I’m a facilitator – look for Camille Boivin, Sister Leadership)
“Imagine being able to consult your own personal board of directors, or group of executive coaches. Join a WXNWisdom Peer Mentoring group to enhance your leadership skills, share business strategies and connect with other women leaders with similar challenges and career objectives. Members form groups of seven to ten women who come together five times over a six-month period (for a total of 15 hours) with a trained facilitator to exchange ideas, make strategic contacts, and receive guidance and feedback. By creating a personal advisory board and facilitating peer-coaching, the Peer Mentoring program helps participants achieve personal and professional goals. WXN offers separate mentoring groups for: Mid-Level Executives , Senior Executives, and Entrepreneurs and Professional Service Providers.” (Women’s Executive Network)
Rosemary McCarney of Plan Canada on Self-Actualization
June 3, 2013
Today it is our pleasure to feature Rosemary McCarney, President and Chief Executive Officer of Plan Canada, a “global movement for change, mobilizing millions of people around the world to support social justice for children in developing countries.”
Plan Canada works around the globe in 69 countries, including developing countries across Africa, Asia and the Americas. They empower communities to break the cycle of poverty and create sustainable solutions to help improve their lives. And Plan Canada is also behind a very interesting imitative called Because I am a Girl – a program stretching around the world to end gender inequality, “promote girls’ rights and lift millions of girls – and everyone around them – out of poverty.” (Plan Canada Website, 2013)
So how incredible is it that we’re talking with Rosemary McCarney today on Sister Leadership? Rosemary was a speaker at the last Ottawa WXN breakfast. She advised the crowd that the road to our dreams is often not linear, and looking at her experience you can see how she’s lived this statement. Rosemary has been a corporate lawyer on Wall Street, a volunteer in African children’s clinics when HIV first appeared, and has more than 20 years of international development work. She’s a major driver of the Because I am a Girl campaign, and a mother of three children.
So how does a woman with such an incredible career achieve that level of success? We asked Rosemary some questions around self-actualization and balance. Read on to learn how she prioritizes and reflects upon her accomplishments before moving ahead.
What are some of your interests outside of work?
“This is an interesting question because this is the first year all three of my children are not at home, so I am “transitioning”. The children still are my prime non-work focus and passion but the time commitment needed is certainly less. I love to read and I devour a couple of non-related books a month at a minimum. More significantly, we have a seasonal household – as long as there is snow on the ground we are avid alpine skiers and as soon as the snow melts we head to our lakeside cottage, where physical chores and time on and in the water with family and friends is paramount, away from all things “urban”.”
How do you make time to do things you truly enjoy? What are some of the benefits both you and your career receive from those activities?
“I have a very large and extended family – my Mother was one of 9 daughters, so making time for them is easy to prioritize – they come from all walks of life and I think we recharge each other when we are together. Our lives are intense at Plan – we are passionate about the work and mission, so it is easy for us to rack up 70 and 80 hour weeks without thinking about it. Doing this continuously wears us out, and I find my judgment might become reactive and my leadership style too abrupt. Time out attending to family and friends enables me to regain perspective and facilitates a filtering process that brings the real priorities of the job back in focus. If I “burn out”, I am of no help to anyone personally or professionally.”
Tell me about your process for setting goals? How would you describe the goals you set for yourself?
“Goal setting is an organic and continuous process. People always ask about goal setting in the context of work-life balance. I am a proponent of “integration”, so that your life in all of its dimensions is seamless and about you and your choices. I have never been a natural or disciplined goal setter particularly on the professional side. I have had to become more so because leading an organization requires leadership clarity for the team supporting you. I try to take a step back about once a year and ask myself three things: (1) did I get it about right last year?; (2) what are the critical “in close” things I have to get done and by when?; (3) what are the long term adjustments/evolution I need to be readying the organization for and what do I have to do now to accomplish that?”
Sister Leadership would like to extend a big thank you for sharing her insights with us. It’s always amazing when such an accomplished and busy woman takes some time to share here on the blog. If you would like to learn more about Plan Canada, you can link through to their page right here.
The Sister Leadership Tool Box
This week we’re leaving you with a tool to help increase your self-actualization through reflection. There’s a wonderful exercise for getting into your “Learning State” (but I like to call it Purple Dot Moments). This is an exercise adapted from the Hawaiian practise of Hakalua, deriving from the word Huna that means ‘secret’. Give it a try and see how you enjoy the exercise. You’ll see a similar theme of reflection here, and of paying attention within the present moment. Enjoy and let me know what you think! (It’s a good idea to read the instructions first, then try the technique.)
Let the chair you are sitting in support you and relax with a couple of belly breaths. Breathe in and let the belly fill up with relaxing, creative oxygen to nourish every cell of your body. Exhale and let go all the tension you have in your body. Notice what you notice and repeat three times.
- While facing straight ahead, pick a spot on the wall to look at. Choose a spot that will be above eye level so that your field of vision seems to rest up against your eyebrows, leaving you with full vision.
- As you stare ahead just let your thoughts come and go, and focus all your attention on this spot.
- Notice as you stare at the spot that within a few minutes your vision begins to spread out. Allow it to continue to do that. You begin to see more in your peripheral than you do in the central part of your vision.
- Now, pay attention to the peripheral. Notice what you notice and begin to focus your attention on the peripheral rather than the central part of your vision.
- If you are looking at a wall, begin to notice that you can see the corners of the room, the ceiling and the floor, all without moving your eyes.
- Now imagine that you have eyes behind your head and imagine what you see, feel, hear and note as you have full 360 vision.
- Now pay attention to your head and imagine that there is an opening at the top of the head connecting to all that is above you.
- Go to your feet and connect to a doorway to everything that is below you and envision, feel, hear and observe the perspective.
- Stay here till you feel comfortable to withdraw from this focus exercise.
Till next week,
Cam
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
The High School Test: Self-Regard, then and now
May 27, 2013
Here’s a question we can all relate to: Have you ever known people who you really admired, wanted to be friends with and wondered how it was possible they did so well? One of my good friends back in high school was such a talented young woman, and I often found myself wanting to equal her abilities. I was a good student (back when intelligence was determined solely on IQ), but always just a little shy of measuring up to my friend’s grades.
Thirty some years later, not long after our 50th birthdays, I met up with that same friend. And you know what she said to me? She reminded me of how I was part of so many organizations, and was so involved all the time. She admired traits in me that today I consider personal strengths, and back then had no clue existed!
As we flipped through old pictures, it just made me laugh to realize: Camille of 13, 14, 15 was really cute! And you know what, she had high EQ too.
If only I’d been able to realize it back then. But for me as a teenage girl – I was never pretty enough, never popular enough. . . but today, over thirty years later, I feel beautiful, I love my career, and life feels good. Okay, there are good and bad days, of course – but I can look in the mirror and love myself in a way that is light years beyond Cam of grade nine.
Do you feel the same way? Are you surprised at how cute you were in high school? Or how your talents and unrealized assets are now at the core of your current successes?
So what changed? It’s called self-regard, and it’s a huge aspect of self-perception.
What is self-regard?
“Self-Regard can be defined as the ability to respect and accept yourself as basically good. Those with good self-regard are able to recognize and appreciate their strengths and to accept their flaws without shame. It is important to be able to recognize strengths in order to know how to use them. While accurate and reasonable self-criticism often leads to self-improvement, excessive self-criticism, or shame, paralyzes. People who react to their short-comings with shame tend to avoid noticing or thinking about them in a constructive manner.
High Self-Regard will also support you in your efforts to examine your own thoughts critically. You can tolerate recognizing your own errors without falling apart. This skill allows you to make rapid, mid-course corrections.
Self-Regard, like Emotional Self-Awareness, is a building block skill of EQ. Reasonable Self-Regard allows us to tolerate the self-criticism inherent in any self-development process.”
Here’s a bit of honesty. I’ve been working on my self-regard for quite some time. If you’ve been reading along, then you know my history of being a single mother and navigating a new city. There have been wonderful NLP exercises that have really helped me strengthen that self of confidence within myself. I’m going to give you one of my favourite exercises that I often use with clients. (Having worked with high-level leaders, I can tell you this much: everyone, at every level, questions their self-worth and capabilities. Strengthen self-regard is a great way for us, particularly women, to improve our self-perception.)
So here’s an exercise from our NLP tool box, to couple the Emotional Intelligence concept of self-regard, is an exercise called Dock of the Bay, which was created by Richard Bandler (and I’ve tweeked it only a smidge). Relax, read along, and repeat as much as necessary. This exercise calls upon referencing someone you really admire – because chances are, if you admire those traits within another person, you’ve got aspects of those characteristics within yourself too.
“It begins with the visualization of a beautiful day, in the bay, with a long dock. You are sitting in a comfortable Adirondack chair. The air is filled with smells of your BBQ in a distance, and your favorite drink is next to you. You notice that across the bay from you, you can see a person that looks and sounds just like you in every way. That person is not you, but someone who is exactly like you sitting across the bay. He or she quietly sits there, enjoying the day.
As you observe this, you notice that someone is approaching you from the left. And as you turn your head, you see a person that you either know personally or not, but one that you admire, for whatever reason, come before you. And just as they stop in front of you, they disappear, leaving behind only their shoes. You step into those shoes and absorb the positive qualities of that person, the qualities that you desire, into yourself. This can take a minute or more, but feel that quality in you, make it your own. When done, a second person approaches from the left and they too, disappear right before your eyes, leaving their shoes behind. Stepping into the second pair of shoes, again, take the time to absorb the qualities you admire, fully integrating them with your own. A third person approaches from the left and they too, disappear leaving the shoes behind. And again, step into those shoes and take in all the qualities you love, making them your own.
Now give yourself a moment to breathe in all those qualities and attributes that you absorbed, feel them within and own them. They are now yours, gifts from the three individuals that you admire. When you feel those strengths fully alive in you, lift your eyes to see the person at the end of the dock, the person that looks like you and sounds like you and call them, motioning for them to come closer. And as that person that looks and sounds like you comes closer, wrap your arms around them in an embrace, and hold them close, all the while integrating them with you, and all those great qualities that you now have from others shoes. Thank the three individuals and acknowledge that you have fully integrated the abundant gift.”
This is an exercise you can do at anytime, anywhere – just take a moment and visualize. Give it a try and see how you feel. I’d love to hear your experiences.
Till next week,
Cam
WXN Breakfast Series Ottawa May 14th Review
May 21, 2013
Last week in Ottawa, May 14th , the ladies of the Women’s Executive Network (WXN) assembled once again on the top floor of 99 Bank Street in the beautiful Rideau Club for another engaging conversation. With all the buzz about “leaning in” for women in business, this was an opportunity to hear from three very impressive leaders and pull from their experiences. On the panel we had Rear Admiral Jennifer Bennett, Chief Reserves and Cadets for the Canadian Navy, Rosemary McCarney, President and CEO of Plan Canada and the Honourable Sheila Copps acting as moderator.
So let’s just take a second to say WOW.
It’s amazing to meet such accomplished women, and on top of that, get to mix and mingle with them while hearing their stories. A huge #SisterNod to the WXN for arranging this breakfast.
So let’s dive into their conversation, which in so many ways pulled on Emotinal Intelligent aspects like Self-Regard, Self-Actualization and Emotional Expression while touching upon obstacles at work, leadership experiences and best advice ever received.
An interesting question posed to the panel involved navigating obstacles at work – whether it’s feeling lonely at the top, not seeing a clear career path ahead, or dealing with a difficult boss.
Rear Admiral Jennifer Bennett shared a comment that rang true within the watching crowd of women executives:
“I think with obstacles, the most important thing to me is don’t be afraid to ask. So that’s where mentoring and peers and sponsoring, and all of these things are really important. They say it’s lonely at the top – it shouldn’t’ be. And if it’s lonely, you need some help. So again, call on those people. You’re not a failure if you ask questions. That’s sort of a quick answer to that, to be strong enough to call on your colleagues or subject matter experts.”
(We’ve all heard that expression, ‘it’s lonely at the top’ – yet I’ve never heard anyone say, ‘but it shouldn’t be.’ Expressing that need to connect, or find support, or call upon experts takes a bit of courage, and yet makes sense. It had me wondering, it is because leadership has thus far been male-dominating that emotional expression hasn’t been more highly valued? There’s a very interesting paper from MHS that suggests women to be higher in interpersonal relationships and empathy than men, so perhaps as the leadership landscape changes – will this concept of constructive expression of emotions also change?)
The conversation on obstacles turned to working with difficult bosses. The opinion was quite consistent across the panel.
Again, Rear Admiral Jennifer Bennett focused on being true to one’s self:
“You can learn as much from bad leaders as good leaders. I think it’s really important to keep perspective …I go back to as a teacher when you are dealing with elementary and research problems: ‘whose problem is this?’ If your boss is having a bad day, that’s their day. You don’t have to have their bad day. So again it’s keeping perspective and keeping a sense of self.”
Rosemary McCarney added onto that concept of being true to yourself: “At a certain point, life’s too short to be in a sick culture, an organizational culture, so you’ve got to equip yourself – whatever you have to do financially and professionally – equip yourself so that you can always just walk away.
The Honorable Sheila Copps added to this conversation with some excellent advice on fear and moving forward:
“The bottom line is, you have to spend every day doing some things that you like, and some things that you don’t like – but if the boss that you have is creating a poisoned atmosphere that you can’t work your way around, then you have to be prepared to jump, and I think that’s something that women sometimes find very difficult. I’ve made different transitions in my career. Every time I’ve moved from the known to the unknown, it was scary. I really had to keep telling myself, ‘don’t be scared, other people have survived this’ and move forward – and I’m talking about even when I left provincial politics to run federally, I was so scared if I was making the right decision. You try and second guess everything, but at the end of the day, the leaps that you take, or the moves that you make to … in terms of any life career change, can be scary. And I think going back to what Jennifer said, be comfortable in yourself … true to your core values, but don’t be afraid to quit and start afresh.”
Then she added onto that a caveat: “Do not quit a job until you’ve actually found another job. That’s a good life lesson, if it can work.”
Touching upon the idea of Self-Actualization, you might not receive the expected response when asking Ms. McCarney how she navigated a career path toward her dream job with Plan Canada.
“It’s not linear. I knew what I wanted to do in general, and I’m fortunate enough that life has taken me in the direction I wanted to go, but it wasn’t linear – I did hostile takeovers on Wall Street for the first five years of my career. And people say, “What’s that got to do with the humanitarian response to Syria in 2015?” And you say, “Lots. Because of Negotiation skills, and transaction skills, and negotiating an MOU … But I think the guidance councillors – they concern me, the ones I had, the ones my children have had, they really think it’s a linear world, and it’s not. It’s not a linear world, and what you want to do is scoop up as much experience and solid formal studies that you can in your studies and forever after … so you can actually make some choices and make some decisions – but it’s not a linear world.”
She later went on to talk about dispositions for success, and I’ll give you the quote here since it ties in so wonderfully with the above.
“You’ve got to be tenacious. You’ve got to go for what you want to go for and know there will be setbacks and moments when you need to put up with other stuff to get to where you want to go, so tenacity is important. And fundamentally, and I don’t know whether this comes out of the HR behavioural competency literature, you’ve got to be an optimist. You gotta really see in a Polyanna way that whatever is it you’re dealing with or whatever it is you do, that you’re going to be able to do it. Most of the world [is made by] amazing human beings, wonderful human beings. Good people are all over the world, and they’re going to support you and they’re going to do the right thing too. I think you need to innately be an optimist. And if you’re not, cultivate those kind of things that will make you an optimist.”
Lastly in the breakfast session, the panel was asked to relate the best advice they’d ever received. It was fascinating to hear two of the three ladies hark back to their childhood, and the values instilled in them by their parents. (We talked just the other day that in moving toward your goals, you deep and basic values need to be aligned with your ambitions. So how cool that they indirectly tapped into this concept?)
Ms. Copps started the conversation around advice by remembering her father:
“Be honest. My father always told me the whole business about success being luck – it’s not luck, it’s 99% perspiration and 1% honesty. … I always felt at the end of the day, if I was honest I could walk away whatever the outcome – sometimes good, sometimes they listen and sometimes they won’t.”
(A great example of “leaning in”! Daring to be ambitious and honest. As Sheryl Sanberg said in her excellent TED talk, women are more likely to be perceived as annoying for such attributes, while men would be seen as strong.)
And Ms. McCarney added to that idea with her best advice, also harking to some excellent concepts of self-actualization:
“I think at stages in your life, you kinda think back to the messages that you got from parents as little kids. And they weren’t thinking about your career, they were thinking about how you were going to handle things in the sandbox, the proverbial ‘sandbox’ … we still all play in sandboxes. And my mother was [saying], ‘ be a leader, don’t be a follower’, and by that she meant don’t be taken in, don’t just go along with the crowd on things you shouldn’t be doing. And my father’s was: ‘if that’s what you decide to do, make sure you have the credentials to get yourself to a place where people will listen.’ … So you go back to childhood and those messages, and to this day they continue to influence how you do.”
But it was Rear Admiral Bennett’s response that struck the deepest chord within me, again touching upon strong internal values and a sense of self-regard:
“Don’t sell yourself short, and by that I mean aim high. Don’t aim for the impossible, but I think sometimes in short-term goals we may miss what might be happening. And the other is to celebrate success and be proud of what you do. So again, don’t always think that you are lacking, because where you are is pretty great … And ‘it’s okay to be you’ is another one that I think is important to me. I didn’t have to lose myself in what I thought other people thought I should be.”
And of course, on top of this fascinating conversation at the WXN breakfast was the chance to mix with other women executives and hear their stories. In the weeks to come, we hope to share with you some of their personal insights, and continue on with our exploration of Self-Actualizaiton, Self-Regard and Emotional Expression, as well as this idea of “leaning in.”
Thanks for reading all the way through. It was a long post today – but packed full with so much insight, I didn’t want to hold anything back.
Till next week!
Camille
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
Coming soon to a post near you!
May 16, 2013
Stay tuned, soon we’ll have a review of the latest Women’s Executive Network event here in Ottawa. But in the meanwhile, we’re asking you: What do you love about networking with other awesome women?
Self-Awareness from the Dragons’ Den
May 13, 2013
Just last Thursday I was invited by Scotiabank to attend a really exciting event at Carleton University here in Ottawa, and what I heard from the AMAZING featured guest fit so perfectly into our EI focus that I had to share it with you. Here’s the news: Scotiabank is donating $500,000 through their Bright Future philanthropic program to the Sprott School of Business for future international exchanges, and the formal announcement along with a 30 minute speech was given by none other than the talented, beautiful and inspiring, Arlene Dickinson.
You may know Arlene from Dragons Den where she listens, invests and navigates hundreds of pitches. Everyone on that show has their own style, and Arlene’s approach is a great example of Emotional Intelligence well used. Whether she’s celebrating an idea, or telling someone to ‘stop right now’ from investing anymore money, she always does it with the approach of a leader who understand the meaning of compassion.
You may also know Arlene because she’s CEO of Venture Communications and a Canadian icon, particularly known and admired amongst other business women of Canada. She’s also a single-mother of four, and makes that clear in all of her bios you’ll read. (Another renaissance women, juggling many balls.)
It was already very exciting to listen to Arlene’s talk on the 2nd of May and hear her opinion on businesses like RIM and how we don’t give ourselves enough credit (and support) as Canadians, and how if the company were American they’d be treated very differently; as well as her feelings toward socially aware business and entrepreneurism (i.e. it’s good, but also it’s essential to make money too – there’s nothing wrong in making money!)
Toward the end of the speech she began accepting questions. Most of the crowd at this event comprised of graduate students from the Sprott School of Business. One student put up his hand and asked whether Arlene has ever had a challenge she wished she had mastered.
And her answer really surprised me. I wasn’t rolling a tape-recorder (or recorder app on my phone), but basically she said that looking back on her life, she would have liked to master self-awareness. Well, my jaw could have scraped the ground – she was talking about an aspect of Emotional Intelligence that, as we’ve been saying these past couple weeks, is essential for realizing the root of our issues and ambitions. If you want to change in this world, you need to become self-aware.
The EQ-i 2.0 Model of Emotional Intelligence defines self-awareness as “recognizing and understanding one’s own emotions. This includes the ability to differentiate between subtleties in one’s own emotions while understanding the cause of these emotions and the impact they have on one’s own thoughts and actions and those of others.”
She seemed to allude to being more self-aware with her relationships. As though if she had been more self-aware she would have made different choices to share time and energy with someone else. There’s a lot going on when you are a business woman and a single-mother, it’s an experience I relate to directly, and here she was touching on the idea of become more aware. Goodness, if only we had all been more aware! But here and now and today, it’s so possible to fix that oversight. I’m certain if Arlene is talking about self-awareness today, than she is aware of her awareness, much like I’ve become and how I help my clients see themselves more objectively.
The truth is, whether you are a famous Canadian business mogul, a woman new in the ad business and negotiation with car sales men, or someone with a seed of an idea and just starting to help that grow – we all have blind spots in our lives. Self-awareness helps us see deeper to the root of our behaviour and beliefs.
As Arlene says in her book Persuasion, “”To be a good persuader . . . you need . . . to be self-aware, willing to be honest even when telling the truth is difficult, and committed to reciprocity [the “win-win”] in all your relationships.”
Here’s a challenge from the tool box: Look over these three questions and answer as honestly as possible.
1. What emotions help your job performance? Which emotions hinder your performance?
2. How do your emotions affect other people? Can you provide an example where your teamwork (or relationship) was affected by the way you were feeling?
3. Describe a time when you were making a decision and your emotions got the best of you.
And if you ever want to talk more, feel free to leave a comment in the discussion or get in touch directly. Otherwise, I wish you a wonderful week!
Take care,
Cam
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
Digging Deeper with Emotional Intelligence
May 6, 2013
The wonderful thing about using Emotional Intelligence (EQ-i 2.0) as a tool, is that it allows us to explore our own thoughts (and pin-point where we have judgements and beliefs that may not be helping). Sounds lovely doesn’t it? Imagine you could look into the mirror and not see the lines, the marks, the dark patches – imagine all you saw was the truth without any fixation or the negative. You’d be seeing something far more beautiful than you realized, I’m certain.
Well that perception (even with your biases) is what Emotional Intelligence works with – it is, in a sense, a review of your thoughts.
This isn’t a new idea. You can trace it back and beyond that powerful expression, “Know thyself.” And the truth is that if you ever want to create a long-term and lasting change in any area of your life, you are going to first need to understand what feeds the beliefs that have taken you to that current situation.
Basically, if you want to change for the better – your beliefs, your perceptions, your deep-down emotional responses all need to be congruent with that change.
Have you ever asked a team member for something – like maybe they can stop eating chips so loudly at their desk, or stop letting their mobile phone ring for five minutes, or get you that report on time each week? And for a little while they are doing their best . . . but then . . . things go back to how they were before.
Why? Is is because the world has started-spinning backward? Is it because they don’t like you? Or could it be because that change you asked of them didn’t really settle deeply into their understanding. They don’t understand that the sound of potato chips crunching gives you flashbacks to childhood days when bullies stole your lunch snack and ate it all while you watched and listened. (Just an example! I hope this never really happened to you.)
What if you are the person who keeps handing in the reports late, and the boss is on your case? Maybe you work hard for a while and push yourself to deliver, but then start feeling overwhelmed again? Don’t you wonder what your beliefs are saying on the subject? They are likely telling you all along that you won’t succeed. Oh yeah, those little wrigglers of self-doubt are in your mind, and if not directly tackled they will stay in your mind and impact your work and how you feel.
Basically, if you want to appeal to others and/or to yourself, you need to connect those changes on the level of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. It’s like dandelions (since spring is here – woohoo!) – the root is what really matters.
So here’s my question for you: What has been your biggest shift in beliefs that brought you success? Can you think of a time you fully embraced an idea that created some awesome change? What emotion did that connect to? How did it feel?
What about when you might have been acting in a way that wasn’t sustainable? How did you shift that situation?
I’d love to hear your success stories of when a change took place at the deepest level. Share with us here, or by email, or through our social media pages. We look forward to digging deep with you over the next few weeks. Stay curious!
(And by the way, you might be interested to look up the concept of ‘logical levels’ by Robert Dilts. More to come on that later!)
Till next week,
Camille
Camille Boivin is founder of Sister Leadership, certified in EQi 2.0 and EQ360, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), has been coaching high-level women and men for over six years, and is now opening her expertise to those emerging in business. Camille pulls her blog topics from her unique coaching approach that combines her training as a EQi 2.0 and EQ360 certified facilitator with the dig-deeper tools of NLP.
Get in touch here if you’d like to talk with Cam about group or one-on-one coaching, and EQ assessments. With the miracle of Skype and telephones – distance is no issue!
